I Have The Mind Of An Ape And So Many Questions That It Can’t Answer by Brian Polk

Published Issue 123, March 2024

Can You Imagine The Shame Of Seeing Your Tweet On One Of BuzzFeed’s “82 Of The Absolute Dumbest Things People Posted On The Internet Last Month” Article?

I always wonder if the authors of these absolute dumbest tweets ever notice their own work, slap themselves on the forehead and say, “Holy shit, that’s me!” And if so, do they realize they most certainly lost that particular online argument? Because a lot of times the less-educated people double-down on wrong assertions despite the fact that the information they’re disputing is easily verifiable. The best example of this is when Americans misunderstand geography. They’ll say things like, “There’s only five continents: America, Africa, London, India and Hong Kong.” And when others correct them, they don’t get embarrassed, and they don’t have enough intellectual curiosity to inspire them to Google the continents. Instead, they generally say things like, “Well, that’s how we see the world from America, BIH!” So when they’re publicly named and shamed by BuzzFeed, I would like to think they: 1) Ultimately realize how wrong they are; 2) Try to educate themselves as a result; And 3) stop arguing with anyone about anything. Of course, that’s giving them a lot of credit for thought processes they’re most likely incapable of. I suppose incorrectly talking shit on the internet keeps these people indoors and away from the rest of us, so that’s a plus. 

What Do You Do About Your Relationship When You Come To A Point Where All You Have In Common With Your Partner Is A Similar Taste In TikTok Videos?

After a long day of work, sometimes it’s nice to come home to your loved one and see what they hearted on TikTok and Instagram during the day. “Did you see any funny dogs while you were pooping at work,” you ask. And sure enough, they did! “Oh yeah, look at this one,” they say. Then after you show each other your vids, you don’t really have anything else to talk about. At that point, you both just stare at your phones and find other posts that you can both relate to. It really drives home the point that long-term relationships aren’t easy. And the longer they last, the more weird and complicated they become. It’s almost as if marriage (or living in sin for a couple of decades) is an antiquated institution that needs to be reevaluated and retooled to meet the demands of our modern reality. Also, you should probably talk about TikTok preferences on the first date, since the last thing you want to be stuck with is a long-term partner who isn’t social media-compatible. 

I’m Writing This Article At A Bar In The Middle Of The Day, And The Bartender Has Not Been By To Take My Order Yet

When I sat down at the bar, the server noticed me and gave me a glass of water. This is usually when I place my order, since I always drink the same booze. But she said, “I’ll be with you in a moment.” That’s server talk for, “I’m too busy to take another drink order right now.” So now I’m just waiting for the current rush to subside so I can get a nice tall glass of booze. I’ll keep you posted. 

As A Pedestrian Waiting To Cross The Street, I Hate It When Motorists Don’t Yield, But Then I Feel Guilty When They Do

I’m a neurotic pedestrian for this reason. When a motorist doesn’t yield to me, I think pretty fucked up thoughts about them. I wonder where they got their fucking driver’s license in the first place. (I mean, what, are they just giving them away these days?) But then when a motorist stops, I feel bad for inconveniencing them. I give them an ostentatious “thank you” wave and try to get across the street as fast as possible. There’s just no winning in my head. 

Don’t Ever Ask Your Ex-lover To Proofread Your Manifesto — Especially If The Relationship Ended On Bad Terms

This was one of those “Live and Learn” moments that we all experience at various points in our lives. 

The Bartender Just Took My Order, So I Will Be Receiving My Drink Shortly, Just In Case You Were Still Invested In My Current State Of Affairs

So my server handled the rush like a badass, apologized to me for the wait and then served me my booze. So now, I have a booze and I’m better for it. 

I Haven’t Had Good Chex Mix In Awhile

Remember when bars served snacks like Chex Mix? I mean seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I had some good Chex Mix. It has to be at least a decade. You know what? Let me count the years. Let’s see, it was when my grandma was still alive, so some time before 2010. It wouldn’t have been ’08 or ’09 because I was in New Mexico for the holidays those years (and the holidays were when she always brought us that good-ass Chex Mix). Was I in town in ’07? Let me think … Yeah, I’m pretty sure I was. So that’s, 10 plus three plus four. 17 years! Fuck, that’s way too long to go without Chex Mix. I suppose now I have figured out how to make it, which I can’t see myself doing. This is probably why it’s been so long since I had Chex Mix in the first place. 

Sometimes I’ll Be Doing Okay Until Someone Asks Me If I’m Okay And Their Question Forces Me To Think About Whether Or Not I Am Okay And All Of The Sudden I’m Not Okay

My dog died recently and a lot of people asked me how I was doing. At first, I was genuinely touched at their concern for my well-being. But after a while it got tedious. Once I got to the point where it didn’t hurt so much, I would go about my daily routine and just kind of forget about my dear departed little buddy (or at least, he wouldn’t be at the forefront of my thoughts). Then someone would come up and ask how I was holding it all together, and their question tore me apart all over again. It forced my brain to go, “Hmm, how am I doing? Oh yeah, shitty.” Obviously, I don’t want to tell everyone to stop inquiring about my current mental state, but I could also use a break, you know? Sometimes social situations are too delicate to navigate and you just have to pretend it all makes sense. Thank goodness there are good bartenders out there.

Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.

Michael Dee left his family farm on the plains, and followed his artist’s dreams to the jagged city-scapes of the metropolis. There he fell into the seedy underbelly of corporate America, chained to a desk with only his pens and his wild imagination to keep him company. He now walks the streets as a freelance illustrator and designer working for those who are in need of an unbridled creative mind. He now resides on a homestead near the outskirts of Elizabeth with his femme fatale of a wife and their four children. Check out his work on his site and on Instagram.

Check out Brian’s February issue install, My Existential Therapist Herb And I Discuss The Ramifications Of Existing In The Modern Workplace, or head to our Explore section to see more of his work.