BuzzFeed Ifs …
By Brian Polk
Published Issue 111, March 2023
If My Life Were A Series Of Buzzfeed Articles
Who among us is strong enough to resist the mighty pull of BuzzFeed? Even if you aren’t interested in endless quizzes to see which Disney cartoon character you might be, their culling of Reddit forums that relate to everyday frustrations entice even the most media-weary of us — myself included. Petty work grievances, frustrations with the in-laws and gossipy shit about troublesome neighbors will always have me clicking into a downward spiral of time obliteration. But the one thing I cannot stand about these articles is the silly headlines they give them. “Does Your BF Have, Like, A Million Red Flags?” “If You Made Cupcakes In RL, What Personality Type Would That Make You?” “32 Things My Therapist Does That Makes Me Want To Rage Scream Into The Night — Or Just Ugly Cry Into My Pillow.” None of those were real BuzzFeed headlines, but they all could be. It got me thinking: What if my life were sensationalized with sassy, hyperbolic headlines? Would it inspire people to click on my mostly mundane experiences? (Probably. Damn you, BuzzFeed!)
OMG I Have Insomnia And It’s, Like, Literally Killing Me
No matter how much I try, I just can’t sleep at night, and it’s like, “WTF, God? Why don’t you pick on any of the evil dickheads that are destroying the world and making life miserable for the rest of us? I’m just trying not to be an asshole and you repay me by forcing me to stay up all night and dwell on a horrifyingly unjust world? How dare you?” And of course, God doesn’t, like, answer. So I do what anyone would do in my situation, and try to get my mind off of itself by alternating between watching Netflix and wondering when all of this shit is going to end. IYKYK.
Here’s What My Favorite Foods Say About My Personality Type
For breakfast I enjoy a smoothie, for lunch a salad, mixed nuts for a snack and stir-fry for dinner. This means I am mature, outgoing, funny and talented. In other words, assigning connections between food and personality type is a totally random thing to do! And, like, ummm okay.
Oh My God, You Guys, I Totally Forgot To Put On Deodorant Today, And It’s Like, Big Yikes!
In my rush to get out of the house, I skipped the step of putting on deodorant today, and now I’m self-conscious of lifting my arms above my head. Of course, keeping my armpits closed all day is only making the smell worse, so I’m kinda fucked every which way. [insert emoji here]
Were You An 80s Kid Like Me?
Something about reminiscing with Alf, Mr. T, ashtrays on airplanes, Picture Pages, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” Pee-wee Herman, Garbage Pail Kids, Pogo Balls, “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” Max Headroom, Spaceballs, The Oregon Trail, “We Are the World,” cigarette machines, BOOK IT! and Light-Brite. OMG, younger generations just wouldn’t understand, would they?
Here Are Eight Quotes About Work Overheard From My Coworkers And I’m Thinking About Quitting My Job, Like, Yesterday
- “We sure could use a living wage.”
- “Hide the crossword puzzle, the boss is coming!”
- “Some kid puked again and I cleaned it last time. So now it’s your turn!”
- “Minimize your internet windows, the boss is coming again!”
- “Asshole customer alert, 3 o’clock! Nose goes! Yes! Stan, why are you so bad at the ‘nose goes’ game?”
- “Isn’t it weird how we feel guilty for not filling every second of our 9-hour shift with work? It’s as though the bosses have taught us that we’re not entitled to experiencing any kind of joy, even for a couple of minutes while we’re on the clock. And if we do, then a sense of indomitable dread should overcome our senses and we should be ashamed of ourselves. One time when there was nothing to do, my boss told me to act like I was working, just so he wouldn’t feel insecure about doing a bad job being a boss. I asked him if I could do my crossword puzzles and he said no. Basically, my busy work had to be something I hated doing, even if said work was just “make work” — or a task that makes me look busy even if the end result doesn’t provide any value to the company. Working for the sake of looking busy is blatant spiritual violence and damages the soul irretrievably. And what for? … Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. How can I help you today?”
- “Hide the flask, the boss is coming yet again!”
- “Fuck, man. We need to get this boss something to do.”
11 Products You Have To Have If You Commute To Work
A car stereo, some chips, maybe a soda and eight other things you really don’t need, but we’ll tell you about anyway because this is cheap sponsored content masquerading as an article.
OMG I Have Insomnia And It’s, Like, Literally Killing Me
Ah, fuck. Here we go again.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Check out Brian’s Feb Birdy install, A Little From Column One, A Little From Column Two, or head to our Explore section to see more of his work.
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