After Abandoning Attempts At Living A Normal Life, I Consider Embracing My Eccentricity by Brian Polk | Art by Jason White

After Abandoning Attempts At Living A Normal Life, I Consider Embracing My Eccentricity
By Brian Polk
Art by Jason White
Published Issue 128, August 2024

My Contrarian Friend Who Spends Less Than 1 percent Of His Life Outside Still Has Strong Opinions About The Weather

My friend, who in the interest of anonymity we’ll call Dipshit McWiener, never leaves his house, car, or place of work — all three of which are air-conditioned. Yet, he still somehow has combative, long-winded opinions about the warm weather — all of which he’s willing to share, completely unprompted. “I hate summer so much,” he says randomly from his indoor workplace that’s so thoroughly temperature controlled, he has to wear sweatshirts just to keep warm. “I mean, what kind of idiot likes the hot sun anyway? All these morons with their patio drinks and shorts. I hope the sun gives them cancer.” Luckily for Mr. McWiener, most everyone forgets about his controversial hot takes on the warmer months as soon as December hits, because that’s when he’ll also have you know that he can’t stand snow, ice, skiers, or Christmas carols. 

It Only Recently Occurred To Me That Some People Don’t Have A Favorite Wham! Song

A few weeks back, I was at a wedding, hanging out with the other cool olds (who still drink and periodically sneak out back for a doobie). And one of the youngsters (read: 29-year-old) came with us to smoke some weed. Of course at some point, us elders had the all-important conversation that everyone has at weddings: naming our favorite Wham! songs. As we went around the circle, most of the standard hits came up: “Freedom,” “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” and “Everything She Wants.” Some asshole (starved for attention, no doubt) even said, “Wham Rap!” But when it was the 29-year-old’s turn, he didn’t have a favorite Wham! song at all. In fact, he didn’t even know the group existed. When someone said, “It was George Michael’s band,” he still had no clue what we were talking about. And that’s when I realized how close to death I truly am. 

A Lot Of People I Work With Are Hungover All The Time — And They Don’t Even Drink

Every day when I come to work, the majority of my coworkers complain about how tired they are, how they have headaches, and how everything is too damned bright. It would be one thing if this grumble fest happened quarterly, monthly, or even weekly. But it’s a daily event. It reminds me of my 20s when I would go out drinking every night and come into work hungover as a matter of course. But at least I was out there having fun. These people have a nightly bedtime of 9:15 and haven’t consumed a drop of booze in several years. So whenever they moan about the terrible hangovers they get as a result of their boring-ass, completely sober lifestyles, I can only think, “Jesus, it’s a damn good thing you people don’t drink.” 

I Would Love To, But I Can’t Afford It

If I had a dime for every time I uttered this phrase, I would actually be able to afford it. 

Damn It, One Of The People I Told To Reach Out If He Ever Needed Help Just Reached Out

So there’s this guy I’ve met a few times at our bands’ shows that I’m e-friends with on social media. And he kept posting all these cryptic messages about the various difficulties he had been experiencing. So I told him he could reach out if he ever needed help — with the understanding that the gesture was completely devoid of validity and was only offered because I like to think of myself as a good person. But apparently this was only a one-way understanding, because he DMed me and asked if I was free to get coffee or something. And of course I was available, but did I want to spend my free time listening to someone I hardly knew droning on and on about his endless problems? I did not. But I kind of have to do it now, since the offer was in writing. I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone called me to task after making tens of thousands of empty proposals throughout my life. Well done, my casual acquaintance. Well done. 

On The Precipice Of A New Adventure, My Partner In Crime Told Me, “Whatever Happens, I Got Your Back,” Which Is A Lousy Metaphor, Since My Back Has Caused Me Nothing But Pain The Last Couple Of Years

I’ve experienced a lot of back pain since the spring of 2022, when I injured myself headbanging at a They Might Be Giants show. So when my co-conspirator reassured me that he “got [my] back,” I cringed. Then he asked me what was wrong, and I explained my shitty pun/dad joke. And that was when he cringed.  

Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.

Jason White is an artist living in the suburbs of Chicago. His favorite mediums are oil on canvas and pencil & ink drawings. When he was a kid he cried on the Bozo Show. His work varies from silly to serious and sometimes both. Check out more of his work on Instagram.

Check out Brian’s July issue install, With A Fatalistic Sigh And A Shrug Of Resignation, I Attempt To Continue This Charade Without Being So Damned Dramatic All The Time, with art by Jason or head to our Explore section to see more of their work.