Accusations, Recriminations, Lamentations, Imputations
By Brian Polk
Art by Jason White
Once A Year For My Birthday, I Allow Myself 14 Minutes Of Uninterrupted Happiness
It’s a gift that I very much look forward to receiving, though last year I only gave myself 13 minutes because it started to fucking rain.
Do What You Love For A Living And You’ll Never Love Again
Platitudes and shitty advice sometimes team up and you get gems like, “Do what you love and you’ll never work again.” Generally, espousers of this advice have internalized the American value system that only ascribes worth to people who pour their entire identities into how they pay bills. However, we should probably update this sentiment with something like, “The quickest way to hate what you love is to monetize it.” I know this flies in the face of the social media-dominated e-reality that we increasingly find ourselves in, but well, it’s not like anyone could mistake what happens online for genuineness.
Do What You Hate For A Living And Become Even More Embittered
I suppose the flipside to that platitude isn’t great either, eh?
The First Time I Tried Popchips Will Be The Last Time I Try Popchips
Whenever a new snack shows up in the breakroom that’s free and vegan, I will always give it a try. This is how Popchips and I crossed paths (otherwise, I never would have been privy to their existence). And even though they were pretty damn awful, I still finished the whole bag for reasons I cannot even begin to explain.
My Promising New Career As Medium.com Writer Lasted 96 Hours
Sometimes I amaze myself at how fast I can lose interest in things I’m initially really excited about. But I feel like Medium.com falls into the same category as crypto currency, podcasts, media influencers, etc. If you didn’t get in on the ground floor, the odds of rising to the top are slim to nil. So yeah, I bailed when I figured that shit out.
Whenever I’m Exposed To People Who Later Test Positive For Covid, I Suddenly Become A Hypochondriac
A scratchy throat, a solitary cough, a slight pain in my right side = I will be dead from Covid within the hour. Sometimes imaginations really work against you (like at work when I put my hand on a wet book and it’s the middle of a drought-ridden summer. [For the record, it’s usually sweat]).
Popcorn Shrapnel That Embeds Itself In The Roof Of Your Mouth Can Ruin Your Entire Night
And it simply shouldn’t be able to do that.
I Was Successful In My Attempt To Not Get Excited About The New Target By My House
When they built the new Target by my house, I remember thinking, While this is convenient for the three times a year I shop at Target, I will use sheer willpower not to get enthusiastic by this development. I must say, I am proud of myself for how well I did with my lack of excitement.
I Wonder If Jesus Ever Gets Tired Of Carrying His Distressed Followers Across The Beach Everyday
And why do they all go to the beach in the first place?
“Let’s Go Bum Out Some Surfers”
Maybe that’s what Jesus’ followers from the previous story say before they head to the beach. And then when they get there, they’re like, “Jesus, since I’m too sad to walk, could you please carry me?”
And Jesus Is Like, “Not Again!”
And then the Son Of God says, “Why do I keep going to the beach in the first place?”
It’s Kind Of A Ripoff That I Wrote The Previous Three Entries As Separate Stories When They Are Clearly One Concept That Could Have Been Condensed, And Now That I Wrote This One, That’s Four Stories, So I Guess Now I’m Guilty Of “Milking It” As They Say
Yeah well, if you don’t like it, get your own column.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Jason White is an artist living in the suburbs of Chicago. His favorite mediums are oil on canvas and pencil & ink drawings. When he was a kid he cried on the Bozo Show. His work varies from silly to serious and sometimes both. Check out more of his work on Instagram.
Check out Brian’s May Birdy install, Rumors, Idle Talk & Fireside Chats, with art by Jason, and Jason’s other May contribution to Jason Heller’s Strings, or head to our Explore section to see more work from these talented creatives.