By Jordan Doll
Published in Issue 133, January 2025
Best of Birdy, Originally Published in Issue 067, June 2019
The ocean. For centuries it has served as a delicate, inexhaustible source of nightmares. Why, it seems like every other day some asshole scientist is like, “Okay. I’m going back down there to rustle up some fresh, salty horror. Does anybody want anything?” And we are like, “No. Please stop. The last thing you discovered was just a ball of screaming fingers.” And the scientist is like, “Too late, I’m back. We call this a Chattering Netherwhale. It eats birthdays and poops hate.” And then we just have to know about it and live with it and add it to all our science books and shit.
But people keep going back out there, and they keep coming back expecting us to act all surprised at their story about seeing a shark with a beak or a jellyfish that just repeatedly yells the name “CAROLYN.” It’s gotten to the point where it feels like there’s nothing the ocean could throw at you, no grainy, submersible footage, or terrifying sailor’s tale or David Attenborough narrated Netflix special that might catch you off guard. And then you learn about the Ningen.
Tales of the Ningen come to us from Japan, which tracks because it sounds like something you might accidentally see on Adult Swim REAL late at night. The Ningen (a Japanese word meaning “person” or possibly just “some dude”) were first reported by crew members of government funded Japanese whale research ships returning from the Antarctic. They described encountering enormous, white … well … people, floating mostly motionless in Antarctic waters. That’s right, just some big, naked Larry, up to 90 feet long, bobbing along like the most unsettling iceberg in the world.
Well, maybe describing the Ningen as “people” is a bit generous. When I say “white,” I don’t mean Ed Begley Jr. white, I mean beluga-whale-that-plays-a-lot-of-StarCraft white. And they don’t really seem to have faces so much as a pair of big black eyes and a long slit where a mouth should be. Some Ningen have even been reported to have flippers and whale-like tails which makes you want to say, “Are you sure you didn’t just see a whale there, whale researcher?” And makes whale researchers want to say, “How dare you!? I am a whale researcher! It is my job to know what’s a whale and what isn’t one and I’m not about to be second-guessed by some nothing-researcher like you! That’s what you research! Nothing! GET THEM, MY WHALES!!!” And then the whales get you.
Now you might be thinking: That doesn’t sound very scary. I’ve walked in on my grandpa in the tub before and I got over that eventually. But I want you to imagine for a second you are a whale researcher, three weeks at sea, face down in your whale-o-scope looking for whales. You are tired, you are hungry, and you just wanna research one more whale so you can punch out for the night and go research some bong rips and Becker reruns. When what comes gurgling out of the depths at you but the big stupid face of one of these suckers. Bobbing through the ocean like a big, sweaty matzo ball, mouth open, looking up at your whale research ship like, “Gooooootttttt aaaaany Priiiiiingles???” That would be the end of whale researching for you. It would be the end because you shit your skeleton clean out. You shit it out and had to move back to land and, to make matters worse, the Ningen looked a little like Becker so you can’t even watch your favorite show anymore.
So what do you do? How do you avoid an encounter with the Ningen. Well, as always, don’t go in the ocean. Don’t look at it. Don’t think about it. In fact, go online and sign my petition to fill the ocean with chocolate pudding mix and be done with this nonsense once and for all. Secondly, I really wouldn’t worry too much about it. Most of the evidence for the existence of Ningen seems to consist of poorly Photoshopped images and a few sketchy firsthand accounts and some super sketchy DeviantArt drawings. Yes, in the end, I suspect the Ningen is just another internet hoax, no more genuine than Pizza Rat or Rick Astley. But just to be safe, if you are ever researching whales near the Arctic Circle, might not be a bad idea to pack a gigantic pair of boxer briefs. Maybe some Pringles.
Have questions about the paranormal?
Send them to werewolfradarpod@gmail.com or on Twitter: @WerewolfRadar.
It’s a big, weird world. Don’t be scared. Be Prepared.
Jordan Doll is a standup comedian, illustrator and actor from Denver, CO currently living in Los Angeles. If he looks familiar it may be because you saw him in a couple of commercials or maybe even doing comedy on Viceland’s Flophouse. Or maybe you saw him performing at Just For Laugh’s Montreal, or the High Plains Comedy Festival, or San Francisco Sketch Fest? Or maybe you saw some of his art someplace and want to get some of your own! That’s not it either? No worries, go ahead and follow his ever depending social media addictions by clicking the little buttons at the end of this bio. Still NOT ENOUGH!?!?!?! Well sorry … That really about it … Website | Instagram | Twitch
Check out Jordan’s last Werewolf Radar Birdy install, Fairies: The Care And Not Pissing Off Of, or head to our Explore section to see more of his past published work.