That’s Not Helpful and Other Words Of Advice by Brian Polk | Art by Creatickle

That’s Not Helpful and Other Words Of Advice
By Brian Polk
Art by Creatickle
Published Issue 1334, February 2025

I Bet Recently Fired Managers Everywhere Hate Those “Under New Management” Signs

I mean, shit, not only did they just lose their job, but now they have to see a sign that adds insult to injury. It’s like the owners are saying, “Sorry about the lousy customer experience that the moronic ex-manager provided you. Don’t worry, we fired that loser. Now when you come to our store, you won’t have to suffer the consequences of having an inept, bumbling idiot running the place.” It’s pretty brutal. 

It’s Kind Of Strange When Your Friends Have Dirty Floors In Their Houses, And They Still Want You To Take Your Shoes Off

I don’t mind taking my shoes off when I enter my friends’ houses. I can be respectful. But when they ask me to remove my footwear, and then I have to step on a bunch of debris, I have to wonder why they’re so afraid of the soles of my shoes. Clearly, they don’t have a problem with dirt. And that’s why I need footwear to protect me from those grimy floors. See the thing is, if I get a bunch of junk on the bottoms of my socks, when I go to put on my shoes, it all gets mashed into my insoles. So every time I take a step, I have to feel the garbage that their dirty floors left on the bottoms of my feet. While this of course isn’t the end of the world, it’s uncomfortable enough for me to complain about, apparently. So that’s something. 

Everyone On The Bus Smells Like Weed

While I appreciate the fact that my fellow public transit passengers aren’t getting all weeded out and driving, I still find it odd that fucking everyone on this bus reeks of pot. I think it’s just me and the driver who didn’t just smoke an entire joint in the alley. Does no one take edibles anymore? 

Have You Ever Been Out To Eat At A Restaurant You Frequent And Decide To Be Brave And Order Something Other Than Your Usual, And Two Bites In, You Are Overcome With Profound Regret?

Because I did this the other day. Being brave is for suckers. 

When She Was On The Way Out The Door, I Said, “Have A Good Day,” And She Said, “Don’t Put That Kind Of Pressure On Me”

At first I was offended that she didn’t take my encouragement to heart. But then I realized how empty of a gesture it was for me to say that in the first place. It didn’t take any effort for me to tell her that. And the amount of effort it would take to put my words into action was really just an undue burden I placed on her. So yeah, she was right to respond the way she did. 

All Joking Aside, I Appreciate Your Presence

Sometimes I just need someone to be there. Literally. So when I say, “Things have been really hard for me lately,” I do not need you to try to fix them or offer solutions. I just need you to hear me. Because you’re one of the people I trust to hear me. Most of the time, we have to pretend we’re someone we’re not — at our jobs, socially, when strangers ask how we’re doing. We pretend everything is fine because we don’t want to burden other people with our problems. So after I say I’m not doing well, it’s because in front of you, I don’t have to pretend. I get to be me. And right now, the me you see is full of pain. And I need you to know that, so maybe you understand that you might have to treat me a bit more gently than usual. Or maybe I need to hear a few jokes or funny stories, since I could really use a laugh right now. I mean, I definitely could use a laugh right now. So now that you’re here, let’s have a drink and sink into a level of comfort that only we can obtain. Let’s forget about our troubles — at least for now. Let’s remember all the reasons we stick around this life — at least for tonight. Thank you so much for being here. Seriously, it’s so nice to see you, and I appreciate you for listening. The next round is on me.  

Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.

Check out Brian’s January install, Framing The Mind: Notes From An Exhausted Existentialist, or head to our Explore section to see more of his work. This is Creatickle’s debut with Birdy. Keep your eyes peeled for more from this talented artist.