Forgive Me For Not Being Upbeat, But Life Has Just Beat Me Down (Part 34 Or So)
By Brian Polk
Art by Jason White
Published Issue 130, October 2024
I Don’t Make My Bed Because I Like To See How Hard I Fought Sleep Last Night
Sleep and I like to engage in battle. We’re constantly at each other’s throats. I like to land punches by tossing and turning and thinking about things I am powerless to change. Sometimes I’ll stare at the ceiling for hours and lament the fact that life lasts so long. Meanwhile, sleep blocks all my punches and laughs as I run myself ragged. So when the alarm goes off in the morning, I like to preserve my sheets to see what kind of carnage my fight with slumber generated. If the sheets and blankets have barely budged, then sleep and I didn’t really fight all that hard. But if my pillow was chucked across the room and the rest of my bedding somehow landed in my closet then I fought against sleep bravely and without mercy. But here’s the thing: even if I win the fight against sleep, I end up losing in the end. It’s kind of like life in general.
No One Ever Talks About How Much Fun Benders Are
Generally, when people speak of binge drinking a lot of alcohol in a small amount of time, they focus on the potential dangers: liver damage, vomiting profusely at inopportune times, waking up in strange places where they don’t speak English and the people there are clearly mad at your presence, etc. And sure, anyone would be wise to take these negative effects into account when engaging in bender-like behavior. But when all is said and done, going on a fucking tear is a lot of fun — especially considering the fact that sometimes a five-hour reprieve from how bad life has become is the only thing that you have to look forward to. And sure it’s expensive, and yes, hangovers are terrible, but when life hands you mountains of lemons, every so often it just makes sense to slice them all up and put them in your vodka sodas. Going to bars and seeing old friends — or making new ones — is really fulfilling. So is doing one last shot at 1:45 a.m. right before you stumble into your Lyft. So yeah, I’m not saying I’m going to spend the rest of my shortened life getting drunk every night, but life has a way of twisting and turning in ways you’re not prepared for. And in those times — for a very short period, anyway — imbibing copious amounts of alcohol can put a smile on your face where a smile is desperately needed at the time. (Birdy and its affiliates do not condone the premise of this entry and in no way support the ramifications of bender-like behavior. Please consult your lawyer and medical professionals before attempting to drink your weight in alcohol. —Ed.)
The Sign Should Really Say, Frown, You’re On Camera”
I hate it when you see a sign that says, “Smile, you’re on camera.” Being under constant surveillance is not a thing that should bring a smile to anyone’s face. It would even be an improvement if the sign said, “Sorry to make you all sad, but we are recording everything you’re currently doing, because we simply cannot accept the lack of control we have in our lives and this is one way to mitigate that. Also, keep off the grass.” I’m going to make a sign that says, “Smile, you’re not on camera.” That’ll show ‘em!
Now That I’m Going Through A Breakup, I Realize How Much Easier It Is To Give Advice About Getting Over An Ex Than It Is To Actually Take It
I used to be a fucking champion about doling out advice to people going through breakups. “Don’t worry, you’ll get over it soon.” “Maybe don’t think about it all the time.” “You’re still young-ish. You’ll find someone else.” Now that I am a single 40-something-year-old who still dresses like a 15-year-old and has never even tried online dating, I am having trouble heeding some of the advice I gave away freely for so many years. “… You’ll get over it soon?” What kind of shit is that? Yeah, I know I will. But shit sucks now! Ya got any advice for that? … Sorry. Please excuse my momentary lapse of aplomb. This shit is a roller coaster ride of emotions.
In Order To Mitigate My Insomnia, I’m Doing All The Things That Experts Recommend, Like Trying to Avoid Screens at Night, Exercising During Day, and Not Thinking About How, At This Very Moment, My Ex Is Most Likely Raw-dogging The Person She Left Me For
The internet — and people who read it — often tell me that I have poor sleep hygiene. And fair enough. Even though I try to stay active, avoid screens, go to bed at the same time every night, just use my bed for sleeping, and try my best not to think about the sweet sexy time my ex is having with her new lover, I still manage not to get enough sleep at night. I wonder what I’m doing wrong.
I Think I’m Going To Get Really Good At Drawing Dogs
The nice thing about starting over in mid-life is that I get to dictate how the second half is going to go. During the first half of my life on this planet, I wasn’t very good at drawing dogs. But I think I have the necessary tools to remedy this situation. And since I wanted to end this particularly dark monthly installment here at Birdy with something positive, I’m divulging these plans for my future. I love dogs and I always wanted to draw. So look out world! There will be more portraits of canines that will be shitty at first, but then hopefully get progressively better. In fact, you’d be doing yourself a favor by making plans to attend my gallery show sometime in 2028. It will be called, “Dogs On Paper.” I’ll keep you posted.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Jason White is an artist living in the suburbs of Chicago. His favorite mediums are oil on canvas and pencil & ink drawings. When he was a kid he cried on the Bozo Show. His work varies from silly to serious and sometimes both. Check out more of his work on Instagram.
Check out Brian’s September issue install, Just So You Know, This Letter Would Have Been Tear-stained If It Wasn’t Written Digitally, and Jason’s September art, the inspo to Joel Tagert’s short story, Fiddlywink Sings The Tune, or head to our Explore section to see more of their work.