A Worrier and A Warrior by Maggie D. Fedorov | Art by Dylan Fowler

A Worrier and A Warrior
By Maggie D. Fedorov
Art by Dylan Fowler
Published Issue 104, August 2022

Don’t just sit there with that

blank expression

‘cross your face;

Fight back!

Yell profanities!

FUCK your grace!

he says.

I know better

than to ante up for another of his games

and I shan’t let him win.

Not this time;

Not today,

not like this.

Internalizing

I preach to myself:

Wear not your heart on your sleeve,

my child.

Do not let him see you cry.

I retreat in shame

only once battle & bloodshed trickles

and transitions to ceasefire.

To walk away at all

is a success to some.

Bloodied, battered, bruised;

bygones.

But my most crippling injury

has yet to rear her nasty head.

She is Panic; and she grips me,

icy, by the throat.

Labored breaths come choppily and

like his words,

they hack.

Tears welling, eyes swelling.

Committing to memory

the sensation of ceasing to exist;

stifling cries for no one and nothing.

Bring death, for I cannot live like this.

Not like this;

Choking on this sea of snot and tears.

Not like this;

Both wanting and not wanting

the help that will never come.

Not like this;

No place safe to retreat;

He’ll always find me

laying in wait

 (feeling naught

   but the carpet brush my cheek

     as few and far between

       respirations

         lull me

           into darkness)

           for the next affront to my senses.

           Please, not like this;

           This is not living.

           … not like this.  

Born and raised in the Greater Seattle Area, Maggie D. Fedorov began to develop her inquisitive nature and lust for exploration when she was very small. Maggie considers herself a lifelong learner, and as such she spends much of her free time reading, researching, honing her skills in the arts and other hobbies, and naturally, planning her next adventures!

Maggie’s writing stems from a desire to delve into and capture what it means to be human at its very core; this tug-of-war that we play with the elements which mold our lives as we fight and embrace them, and using our observations to develop more vital roots anchoring us to the elements we all battle and nurture in our own lives. It was out of a compulsive need to share this form of expression and exploration that Maggie Fedorov, the writer, was born.

Maggie shares her travels and her life with her husband, Sam. The two are often found indulging in desserts, collectively dreaming about their future fur babies, and attempting to achieve Nirvana through the flawless integration of bad puns and dad jokes in normal conversation. See more on her Instagram.

Dylan Fowler is a Denver-based designer and illustrator at Consume & Create. He really enjoys every aspect of visual storytelling, and when he’s not drawing on the computer, you can find him making screen prints in my garage. See more of his work on his site and on Instagram.

Check out Maggie’s July Birdy piece, Home Is Where The Heart Dies, and Dylan’s last install, Home of Our Own, the companion artwork to Maggie’s The Old Gods, or head to our Explore section to see more work by these talented artists.